Someone Died: It Was Bound to Happen

Chock had to bounce from the Olive Garden Mansion for approx. 15 minutes because HIS MOM DIED.

It will never cease to amaze me what contestants will give up to appear on a reality dating show for senior citizens. If you’ll recall, last year Sondra missed her daughter’s wedding to be rejected on national television. This year, well… you’ll see.

We begin our episode which Charles L. teaching everyone tai chi, which was very sweet and all of the bachelors happily participated. There is a very obvious bond between all of the men, which I hesitate to attribute to their gender but—they’re guys. I am married to one and I birthed one. Guys are kinda chill about getting along with all other guys (because of the patriarchy, probably. I wouldn’t know. I’ve been programmed to feel instant competition towards all women, which I counteract by bombarding most of them with aggressive humor.) Anyway, the old dudes have bonded. This is especially sweet as they’re all single guys, most of their children have left the nest, and the genuine “brotherhood” they’re building is charming.

They all now appear to be wearing matching necklaces. Was there a craft project off-camera? I do not know, but these necklaces are reminiscent of the one my 5 year-old brought back from summer camp.

First up is the dreaded group date and no one wants to go on it, mainly because if you’re selected for a group date, it means that you don’t get a one-on-one with Joan. And the point of this show is to make Joan fall in love with you, which one cannot do with 10 other c—blocks.

Dear God in heaven, the men must perform a strip dance for Joan, as taught to them by the Chippendales. Obviously, these senior men (except for Pascal, who works out 5-6 days a week) are hesitant to gyrate in front of Joan and the world until their find out that this performance benefits “Stand Up to Cancer.” I have not seen the financials on this and am unsure how/where donations are involved in this reality show scene. But say the word “cancer” and suddenly Joan and all of the bachelors get very serious because we all know someone who died of cancer.

Charles is living his best life.

I know people who have died of cancer. I wouldn’t strip for my husband of eight years much less the entire viewing audience of ABC/Hulu. The only people who have seen my upper arms since 1992 are those tasked with vaccinating me. But God bless these bachelors, they’re committed. Each learns a disgusting, thrusting dance and grabs a costume (construction worker, army soldier, etc.) and performs on stage for Joan and the paid extras.

“I’d like to have about three Chardonnays,” says Chock, before the show. “It would really help me.”

Charles L. as the classic sexy tourist in Hawaii.

Joan, because she is so lovely, is worried this challenge might be humiliating awkward for the men but all of them f—ing nail it. The whole display was pretty hilarious, including moves from Keith who did that full ‘pushing Joan’s knees open and sticking his face in there’ swoop. Holy moly!

Chock gets the safety rose.

Back at the Olive Garden villa, Joan and Chock spend a little time on THE BENCH and things are really heating up between them. ““Chock is the first person I can picture a future with since John passed away,” gushes Joan.

Rise and shine, it’s a new day at the villa and Chock is awoken by a producer. His mom died! Chock shares this information with his “brothers'“ first who all react with genuine kindness and compassion. Then he’s got to tell Joan. Naturally, this is an extremely emotional presentation of a major death and Joan reacts appropriately. Chock must leave to comfort his family and deal, I would assume, with the array of bureaucratic shit one needs to deal with when someone dies. He hopes to come back to the villa at some point. After all, he has a safety rose.

Poor Joan’s now got to go ice skating with Jordan, but Jordan, as we know, once dated Taylor Dayne and this guy has got mad game. He’s funny and charming and smooth, and the band REO Speedwagon suddenly performs in what looks like a Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion set (aka: fake winter.) Suddenly, it begins to faux snow and the pair kiss.

Next, Joan has to go on a cooking date with Dr. Guy at some special house in Malibu where Joan “lives” during filming and the whole thing is a disaster. Guy can’t zest a lemon. What kind of ER doctor can’t figure out how to zest a lemon, wonders Joan. Anyway, he gets a safety rose anyway because Joan is an extreme softie.

Back at the villa, it’s almost time for the elimination ceremony and each man gets to prepare a mini date for Joan. First up is Pascal and we finally get out first taste of reality drama because Moissuer Pascal is l’asshole. Joan tells Pascal that he strikes her as indifferent to wooing her. ““A little effort would have been good,” suggests Joan.

Not to be corrected at any level, Pascal says, “. “If you want me around, you’re going to have to spend a lot more time.” This is a demand for more one on one dates. Pascal doesn’t want to lose this shit. “Keep me around, keep me around.”

Joan decides that ‘I guess he’s just French and this is how French people act.’ Good thing my mother is traveling (not in France) because she would be screaming (possibly in French) for Joan to dump Pascal. Lots of other little mini-dates happen where each man makes his last move on Joan before the elimination ceremony. But wait. What’s this? Someone has arrived!

IT’S CHOCK! DIRECT FROM THE CEMETERY.

I don;t know exactly how much time passed between Chock’s departure and his return but it feels like his mom’s body is probably still warm. ““I’m crazy about you, and I say that from the bottom of my heart,” says Chock, allegedly still in mourning. Joan is over the moon “I feel safe again” and all of Chock’s “brothers” are silently thinking, “F***.”

Chock, whose mother hasn’t even been embalmed yet..

Now it’s time to break some hearts. I’ll save you the suspense. Gary, Charles, Gil and Dan get kicked out of the villa. The worst part is, especially for Dan, that he’ll have to leave his besties. “I live alone and livin’ with a group of brothers was pretty cool,” says Dan through tears. They might as well call this show The Golden Fraternity House.

Would marry Gary, 100%.

The men are all devastated that some of their bros have to leave, and swear they’re all going to be BFF. Meanwhile, we get a sneak peek of next week and Pascal gets pissed! He yells at another (unseen) bachelor AND at producers. Leave it to Pascal to bring the Real Houewife energy Tres bien!

Until nest week, my garbage television friends, may none of your strippers be social security eligible and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!