Fake and Real Broken Ankles!
Another week of watching an old man cry — one of the best episodes yet!
This week’s episode of the Golden Bachelor has me all a’tingle. The tension, the tears, the faked injury! Emmy voters, take notes.
We begin, as we always do, with Gerry in tears. These particular waterworks appear to be a preview of a romantic date to come later in the episode. Perhaps the producers have finally accepted that they simply cannot open the show without a clip Gerry dabbing his eyes with a Kleenex.
Theresa, who we hate, has decided to make-up exercise moves while standing around in a pleather minidress. But don’t worry, assures Theresa, she’s going to stop bragging about her one date with Gary and be a girl’s girl.
The women gather on a bunch of couches to go apeshit over the arrival of someone named Tricia, who apparently won the first Bachelor series. The Golden Bachelor producers, with whom I feel both a kinship and sense of frustration, need to understand that many/most Golden Bachelor watchers have no idea about previous dumb iterations of this series. We neither know nor care about Tricia.
Theresa takes this moment to immediately physically touch Tricia, reaching across another woman to do so, to inform Tricia that she, Theresa, went on the first date with Gerry. The fire of anger burning within Kathy grows stronger. After politely listening to Theresa do what she promised she wouldn’t do, Tricia informs the women that most of them would be going on a group date with Gerry. In Bachelor code, this means that all but one woman will go on the group date, and the one left out gets a one-on-one with Gerry. The group date names are read like the reverse Miss America reveal. It comes down to Faith and Leslie. When Faith’s name is read, meaning she’s included in the group date, Leslie goes nuts with joy and everyone congratulates her. Faith’s face falls. No alone time for Faith.
The group date is pickle ball! And if you don’t know, you should: Ellen is a pickle ball co-captain! Since Gerry has made it clear that pickle ball is an important part of the life he wants to build with his partner, this is Ellen’s big chance to shine. The ladies (except Leslie, who must prepare for her dream date) dress in their pickle ball finest and head to the courts. There, they find Gerry, Tricia, and another Bachelor contestant I’ve never heard of who also happens to be a “professional” pickle ball player.
Everyone but Ellen sucks at pickle ball. April, aka: Machiavelli, gracefully pretends to fall and cries, “I think I broke my ankle!” Gerry curls up on the court beside her and April rests her head on his shoulder. She then reveals she faked the whole thing for a public snuggle. Presenting oneself as feeble and prone to injury is not the way to win the heart of an active senior gentleman, April.
The ladies must pair off, don matching tennis outfits, and compete in a pickle ball tournament, the winners of which will be featured in pickle ball magazine. Ellen is beside herself.
Ellen and Kathy, the Pickalicious Paddles, beat the Pinky Dinkies, April and Faith.
Bitchin’ Kitchen, Sondra and Nancy then take on Susan and Theresa, the Purple Pickelettes. Sondra makes a killer play! Jesse the series’ host, who is also serving as the sports announcer, takes this opportunity to point out to the crowd that, AND I QUOTE, “Sondra is playing with two artificial knees. She’s also missing her daughter’s wedding.”
When I tell you I screamed. What have we become as a society?!?!
Sondra, who managed to hit a spectator with a pickle ball, wins it for Bitchin’ Kitchen. Now they’ve got to face off against Pickalicious Paddles, who ultimately win, but not after an apparently thrilling game. Throughout the whole show, Ellen has been identified as a 71-year-old pickle ball co-captain. Obvi Ellen and her Pickalicious Paddle was going to dominate. I’m just glad our main goal was achieved and Theresa lost.
As the sun sets, everyone changes clothes and gathers for drinks with Gerry. He pulls several women aside to a couch set up on the pickle ball court for some fleeting one on one time. Sondra, who is MISSING HER DAUGHTER’S WEDDING, gets a moment with Gerry. He makes her FaceTime her daughter.
Theresa decides to poke the bear and pulls Kathy aside to once again talk about their hatred on one another, and Kathy opens a can of elderly whoop ass on Theresa. She has HAD IT with Theresa, who will tell anyone within earshot about her connection with Gerry no matter how many times Kathy asks her to stop. Theresa then immediately hops on the pickle ball couch with Gerry and whines that Kathy is mean and told her to “zip it.” Gerry is concerned, so he pulls Kathy aside. “I’m beginning to see a rift here that I’m really not happy about,” says Gerry.
OH MY GOD!!!! Fucking Theresa.
Leslie and Gerry go on a date riding dune-buggies around the wilderness and get in an outdoor hot tub where Gerry’s large bicep tattoo is revealed. Meanwhile, back at the Olive Garden, the ladies play a PG-13 game of “never have I ever,” Sondra has a stomach bug, and Nancy has an actual stress fracture from pickle ball. Let me remind you that while April faked a broken ankle, Nancy really got one and toughed it out. Someone tell Gerry.
I far prefer watching the women interact with one another than going on cringy dates with Gerry. Less Gerry, more April sage-ing the Olive Garden.
Gerry pulls Susan aside and gives her a big rose quartz stone. He says that she has the same qualities as his dead wife Toni, and it’s very sweet. I really like Susan and think she is, as my mother would say, a kick. Then Pickle Ball Ellen gets some alone time with Gerry and things get serious. Ellen is developing some real feelings for Gerry and says, oh my God, “I’m falling in love with you Gerry.”
Gerry bursts into tears. The last time someone said that was… TONI.
Nancy and her fracture basically say to Gerry, “It’s not gonna be me, right?” Gerry agrees and Nancy leaves before the rose ceremony rejection. She’s too good for this nonsense anyway. Nancy can do better.
With only 9 women remaining and Leslie and Sondra already having received safety roses, it’s a tense rejection ceremony. Theresa gets the final rose which means April and Zip It Kathy are heading home. There’s no way Gerry is going to pick Theresa as his forever soulmate (don’t worry) but it is also clear that he wasn’t feeling Kathy. She’s gotta go. April, also heading home, faked an injury. She is the Tonya Harding of the Golden Bachelor.
The worst was having to watch Kathy watch Theresa get that last rose. As she departs in the loser limo, Kathy jokes, “I might burn the house down.” LOL Kathy. Arson joke! What’s not to love?
Next week on the Golden Bachelor: 7 women remain! Gerry makes out with what appears to be all 7 of them and several women use the l-word. “The only time I’ve felt worse in my life is when my wife passed away—and this is a goddamn close second!” - Gerry
OMG! WHAT? GERRY! This is like Succession, but kinda real!
Until next week’s exciting turn of events, may you keep your lips ZIPPED and may all of your commercial breaks be brief.