Golden Countdown Until Sept. 18

There's a reason you haven't heard buzz about The Golden Bachelorette.

Now THESE are some knick knacks.

For reasons I don’t need to explain to you or anybody else, I found myself Googling Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner tonight. What’s misspelled Gary up to these days? How’s he faring after his three-minute marriage to Theresa, and is he still actively being cancelled for being an all-around asshole?

My search led me to the surprising news that yesterday, a whopping 24 hours ago, the television gods released the first promo for the Golden Bachelorette. This iteration of the show, in which an elderly woman must select one of twenty elderly men with whom to spend their remaining days, will star 61-year old Joan Vasso looking for leathery love. Joan, you might recall, was getting hot and heavy with Gerry on The Golden Bachelor until she had to unexpectedly leave the show to care for her pregnant daughter.

(Please take a moment to honor Sandra’s daughter, whose mother is no Joan. Sandra, let’s never forget, chose to lose at pickleball on national television rather than attend her own child’s wedding.)

Anyway, how come this hot, hot, hot Golden Bachelorette promo isn’t all over social media? This is the kind of content my algorithm craves. I watched the promo and the answer is obvious. This is the most boring marketing of a wildly popular television show and batshit crazy concept ever. Talk about a missed opportunity to whet the appetites of millions of people with insane taste in TV.

This snoozer of “promotional” material is just Joan and her family having a totally fake dinner in a totally fake house talking about finding probably fake love. What an inauthentic moment! No one has that many objects d’art yet no books. None of these people have ever been in this residence before. It looks like it was filmed in a Home Goods, no disrespect to Home Goods.

I really hope the producers of the Golden Dating Game have some better surprises up their sleeves, because this greige shit will not suffice.

Do we want Gerry back? No, of course not. Do we want the kind of thrills of someone like Kathy telling someone like Theresa to fucking ZIP IT before, during, and after the rose ceremony? Yes, of course we do.

DO BETTER ABC.