Holy smokes, what a time to watch a televised love competition between senior citizens. Let’s talk about Episode 2 of “The Golden Bachelor,” a show in which a 72-year-old widower must choose his forever soulmate from a feisty collection of women, aged 60 through 75.
The 15 women who’ve survived the first elimination rose ceremony now get to stay in the Bachelor Mediterranean-style “mansion” where they’ll sleep on bunkbeds and learn the answer to the age-old question, “what’s it like to live in an Olive Garden?”
I watched his episode with my husband who promptly announced, “This is elder abuse.”
Right away, Jesse the middle-aged host who has like, five lines every episode, presents all of the women with a date card. This must be a longstanding Bachelor thing wherein the Bachelor invites a select contestant for a one-on-one date. Yikes! Who did Gerry (again, pronounced Gary) pick? He picks Theresa, a 70-year-old securities professional from Shrewsberry, New Jersey who looks exactly like my friend’s mom Sharon. Queen of the hour, Theresa leaves to go get ready for her big date while the LOSERS sit around inwardly panicking.
Once ready, hair done, make-up applied, Theresa joins the rest of the women to wait for Gerry who arrives in front of everyone to take Theresa on their date. This seems unnecessarily cruel to me. Why do the other contestants have to watch Gerry come pick up Theresa for their date when no one else gets a one-on-one date. Maybe the producers are trying to stir up envy and if so, a big thumbs up from this viewer.
Gerry’s arranged to drive Theresa to their date in a vintage convertible but oh no! The headlights don’t work, Gerry’s never driven on California freeways—at night no less, and Theresa’s hair is getting all screwed up in the wind. The tension in this tiny car is palpable but Theresa can’t let Gerry’s dumb transit idea ruin her chances so she rubs a terrified Gerry’s arm and tells him he’s doing great. This move won Theresa some very big Gerry points. “THANK YOU FOR THAT,” he verbally melts while an 18-wheeler honks Gerry into the slow lane.
Miraculously, the pair safely arrive at a 50’s style diner where they order fries and a chocolate milkshake to intimately share. As they chat, Gerry and Theresa talk about the instant connection they feel towards one another and how much that mid-freeway arm rub meant, and maybe there is hope for love in one’s sunset years. “Don’t stop believing,” says Gerry. Then he repeats it for emphasis. “Don’t stop believing!”
At this point, the whole restaurant (waitstaff, cooks, customers) break into a choreographed flashmob to Journey’s classic song, “Don’t Stop Believing.”
What does this tell us? This tells us that at some point, producers instructed Gerry to work “Don’t Stop Believing” into a conversation so this dumb Grease Lightnin’ moment could happen which made me feel like I’m living a lie trying to watch Gerry find his forever soulmate. This is not Broadway. There should not be a script. There should not be backup dancers. I hated the “Don’t Stop Believin’” moment.
The next day, Gerry has a group date (another Bachelor thing, apparently) where he does an activity with all of the contestants. This group date involves each of the women dressing up in some sort of themed outfit and posing for small group shots with Gerry. There was a 1960’s hippie photoshoot, an 80’s biker photoshoot, and a romance novel photoshoot. Then we get to the bridal photoshoot where 60-year-old retired interior designer Nancy bursts into tears because she hasn’t worn a wedding dress since she married her beloved dead husband 726 years ago. Well! There is nothing that jolts the heart of Gerry like a good dead spouse story (or a defibrillator.) Nancy wormed her way into some much-needed one-on-one time with Gerry so they could both eulogize their loved ones.
Several women steal Gerry away for some alone time on the alone time bench, including Leslie, the young (60!) fitness instructor who told Gerry that his beauty emanates from within, and also she too, wears hearing aids. Gerry told her she was sexy and then whispered something in Leslie’s hearing aid that has thus far remained unsaid but was very clearly Rated R at best and everyone watching lost a week off their life just having to live through it. WTF Gerry? Crying over his dead wife one minute and whispering dirty talk into Leslie’s MiracleEar the next. MEN!
Guess what! It’s Gerry’s birthday so the ladies throw him a cocktail party and gift him an array of crap. Susan, an appallingly tan 66-year-old professional wedding officiant jumped out of a cake. Some broad gave him a lap dance. I can’t even.
Ellen, a 71-year-old Pickleball Co-Captain was pulled aside by Gerry so he could give her an elaborately framed photo of the two of them taken at the photo shoot. This thing is huge—mantle size. Ellen is beside herself — it’s one of the greatest things anyone has ever given her and she’s so touched that Gerry took the time to respond with, “Um, the pickle ball lady” when a producer asked which women’s photo he wanted to frame and present.
Now comes the rose ceremony, where more women will be cut loose and returned to their sad lonely lives. Theresa of the flash-mob nonsense has pre-received her rose so she gets to stand aside in what appears to be the lobby of a bordello while Gerry passes out roses to the women he deems worthy of fighting for his full head of hair. One by one, roses are presented.
Leslie, will you accept this rose? Hell yes.
Ingrid, will you accept this rose. Obviously.
So it gets down to the last few roses and it’s clear, we’re going to have some losers here, including one lady I swear to God, I’ve never even noticed in the background. Jeannie declares she is madly in love with Gerry but — cue Gerry’s tears — she doesn’t get shit!
The last rose is saved for Kathy and presented like a reprieve from the Governor. The losers hug Gerry goodbye and say things like, “I wish you all the best on your journey.” Natascha took the opportunity on her way out to complain that the women should really allowed to be seated during the rose ceremony because she’s too old to stand around being rejected.
Next week on the bachelor, Gerry makes out with some lucky lady in a hot air balloon, makes out with someone else on the bench, and another one on the lawn. This naturally prompts jealousy — at last! I need these women to stop standing around saying, “Isn’t Gerry such a terrific guy” and start fighting for their fake instant love. Also, it appears to become to much for Faith who apparently leaves the whole show — prompting Gerry to, you guessed it, burst into tears.
General query: When do they eat? I see no meals, snacking, etc. Where is the charcuterie?
This entire spectacle is sexist, uncomfortable, and riveting. I look forward to your thoughts, my fellow golden viewers, and until next time, may all of you be allowed to order your own milkshake and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!
I love the show. Imagine the power the producers have.
Sooo, I watched the first episode, despite not really appreciating the franchise. But, I have to say, the “golden aspect “ really makes the show more interesting. These people have all had lives and are not afraid to put shit out there.