A Golden Moment in Television History
Folks, we're watching the Golden Bachelor. Grab your senior discount and hop aboard.
The Bachelor has been a franchise in the reality television milieu for 21 years, and I’ve never watched it. I did’t need to see gorgeous young people making out and breaking each other’s hearts in the early aughts. I was living it. But the reality stars have aligned to finally add a good twist to this old chestnut of a show. Folks, it’s time we all watch The Golden Bachelor, where 71-year-old tearful widower Gerry (pronounced Gary) will have to choose between 22 sexy single senior ladies to find his forever partner.
If you’re like me, you might need a refresher on the rules. I’m learning as I go so bear with me but over a short period of time at what appears to be a decommissioned Cheesecake Factory, Gerry must collectively and individually get to know all of these women and eliminate the rejects until he’s narrowed the pool down to his soulmate. Episode One, which we’ll cover here today, sees Gary offer one bonus “first impression” rose to his immediate favorite, and at the end of one very long cocktail evening, give 16 roses to the women he’ll allowing to continue to fight for his affections. Those without a rose are sent back to their retirement homes, etc.
We begin with Gary recounting 43 happy hears with his wife Toni, who died within apparent seconds of the in-love and newly retired pair closing on their dream house. It’s been six years since Toni died and Gerry, let me assure you, is still crying. Gerry cries a lot. His adult daughters are supportive of this very public endeavor.
Next, Gerry meets a very forgettable “host” of the show and waits in the driveway of the this fake Tuscan palace as an array of spry senior ladies, aged 60 through 75, emerge from stretch limousines to make their best first impressions on Gerry. They are all dressed in their sexiest mother of the bride gowns and one lady in a track suit. Gerry dons a classic tuxedo.
Standouts include:
71-year-old Ellen, is doing this all for her friend Roberta. Roberta is dying.
75-year-old Sandra looks like she’s 55. Upon meeting him, Sandra encourages Gerry to do some calming breathwork together and then exhaled a string of obscenities. Gerry played along.
64-year-old Leslie emerged from the limo with a walker and a grey wig on, only to rip it all off and reveal herself to be, basically, a supermodel from Minneapolis. She formerly dated Prince.
Nancy, age 60, wears hearing aids—just like Gerry!
Theresa is 70 and she’s nuts. The evening that she meets Gerry is apparently her birthday so she removed a robe to reveal her birthday suit. Oops, almost! It was a nude tiny dress. LOL? I don’t think so. You have six grandsons, Theresa. Pull it (your robe) together.
65-year-old April grew up on a chicken farm and her “eggs are still very fresh.” So she brought a basket of golden eggs and clucked like a duck.
Susan is 66, made a penis joke, and sounds like she smokes Methols.
Faith, 61-years-old, arrived on a motorcycle. She’s a “fun-monger.”
As Gerry meets all of these “gals” and consistently responds, “Wooooooow,” the women enter the luxe lobby of the revamped Cheesecake Factory and size each other up. Finally, after meeting 22 possible loves of his life one after the other, Gary arrives to join the women for champagne and then, as is apparently Bachelor protocol, the bolder contestants say, “Gerry, can a borrow you for a minute?'“
This is Gerry’s cue to step onto the veranda with his forward friend and have some sort of connection. The most upsetting of these was Theresa who, with very little pretense, forced Gerry to make out with her.
Other attempts at connection included a laughter “exercise” and Gerry telling Sandra that her foul mouth caught him off guard.
Faith sang Gerry a song and played the guitar and I could not watch this moment in its entirety. It was simply too embarrassing.
Finally, it’s time for Gerry to give his first impression rose, which fun-monger Faith receives. Unlike me, Gerry enjoys someone singing to him while making direct eye-contact.
At first light of dawn, with everyone still in black-tie, Gerry must pass our 16 roses among 22 women. “It’s difficult to look at women as wonderful as you,” says Gerry, emotions bubbling, “and know that not all of you will be here tomorrow.”
Aa the roses were passed out and accepted by 16 relieved social security recipients, Gerry starts crying. Once the losers are gone, Gerry’s (temporary) winners surround him and congratulate him on being so fucking fantastic. Phew. They live to see another day — and the whole point of this show is that, statistically, all of their days are numbered. Episode One ends.
Then we cut to: “This Season on the Golden Bachelor…”
The season’s preview includes an extraordinary amount of kissing, lots of activities for fit geriatrics, Gerry revealing he has feelings for more than one person, crying from an array of participants, including women getting rejected and Gerry sobbing, “The only time I’ve ever felt worse in my life is when my wife passed away.”
Hell yes, sign me up!
Episodes One and Two are live on Hulu now. I’ll watch episode 2 this week and give Golden Bach rookies a few days to catch up. We are doing this, friends — because you know what, old-timers, you only live one. And you might as well watch some old folks hook up and then watch a 71-year-old man reject a collection of women on streamed television.
Until next time, dear ones, may all of your roses be reciprocal and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!