Sock Puppets and Sob Stories

This week's Golden Bachelorette contains a whole lotta tears — and one angry Navy captain.

Season Three is casting if this looks appealing to any of you seniors.

We’re on week two of the Golden Bachelorette and once again, this episode ran a whopping two hours. I don’t have time for this. I’m not retired. We begin with a little snippet from the future—and it’s Joan kissing Mark, a retired soldier who was stationed in Germany for 11 years but needed a flashcard to ask for a kiss in Deutch, one of the most famous romance languages.

The many, many remaining bachelors go into full dad mode and examine the Bachelor Nation Olive Garden McVilla brought to you by Barefoot (TM) Wines and “getting the newspaper delivered.” It’s all fabulous except for the sleeping situation, which packs the bachelors into twin-size bunk beds like they’re living in a Dickensian orphanage. Isn’t this a mansion? You’re telling me this massive, up-lit, peak-2005 estate only has three bedrooms but 57 different kissing nooks? Charles L. agrees to take the top bunk while Pascal announces that he sleeps in the nude and gets up several times a night to pee.

Pascal is becoming a real problem for me. He pays Gregg to wash, iron, and fold his laundry for $100 a load (I haven’t done laundry in forty years!) and complains that the closet is too small for his Gucci and Tom Ford. This from someone who charges $175 for a haircut. Newsflash, Vidal Sassoon. That’s NOTHING. Pascal also hates when any one of his 20 other bunkmates snore so he gets them to stop by beating them in their sleep. “It was very startling waking up to a naked French man punching me,” said Gregg.

The garbage disposal breaks and Kim takes charge. He is, after all, the former captain of a Navy ship. Nuclear warheads/garbage disposals = same basic thing.

Jesse the Unnecessary Host (JUH) appears and presents the gentlemen with the episodes very complicated rules which needed to be clarified. They make these date rules so complex, even the participants can’t follow. Anyway, about half the men go on a group prom date with Joan. They’re given retro tuxedos to wear and all try and score a dance and a kiss with Joan. Charles L of the Top Bunk sits alone on the bleachers in a scene that has apparently since gone viral. The people of Bachelor Nation are loving sweet Charles L, because he’s darling and sweet, but is he really the right match for Joan? No, absolutely not. I’m calling it for Mark right now, episode two.

Because this is reality television, these people are looking for love, but they’re also looking to win a game in front of millions of people, meaning each of the bachelors must get Joan alone so they can gain some sympathy by talking about their dead wives. Joan is so gracious in every awkward situation that it becomes apparent she’s going to give roses to whoever has the most tragic story. Jonathan wins because he asked a girl to a dance in 1983 and she dumped him right before the dance, so this prom moment really triggered some closure for him. Okay, sure Jonathan. Totally believable.

Also, the “Senior Senior” prom featured live performances from a completely unrecognizable Taylor Dayne. “Tell It To My Heart” Taylor has gone full Real Housewives of Orange County (not Beverly Hills) and I would be hard-pressed to pick her out of a lineup of middle-aged Bravolebrities. That said, would do same to my face. 100%.

The other half of the men must perform in the dreaded talent show for Joan, and many of them knew this moment was coming, as it was such a hit last season. Jack performed a sock puppet show with actual men’s socks, one of which was meant to be Pascal. Guess who had no sense of humor about it? Pascal! Captain Kim performed an original song and sang it a cappella to Joan, aka: every woman’s worst nightmare. “Will we find love together or perhaps just be friends. Will I perhaps be the one who’s at your rainbow’s end,” croons Kim, thinking to himself: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

But Kim didn't anticipate one rival’s secret weapon: a noticeable medical problem! Dan, a private investor from Florida, was once given six months to live but then he quit his job. Now he just has diabetes and hand tremors, especially when he’s nervous. (I’m medically paraphrasing.) Using the tremors to his benefit, Dan waves around two of those gymnast ribbon wands and wins a date with Joan and a safety rose.

Captain Kim is noticeably PISSED. He put it all on the line, sang a fucking rainbow song, and the guy with the ribbons won. Red flag, Joan! Kim is a powder keg!

Joan also selects one man to go on a one-on-one date with, and that lucky bachelor is (checks notes) Chock. The pair visit “the happiest place on Earth,” which is Disneyland, resort and theme park owned by ABC parent company, Disney. I was at Disneyland last month and my only focus during this Bachelorette date was wondering whether Joan and Chock got the Lightning Pass or if they just got to cut in line for rides. A visit to Disneyland requires extreme vigilance with the Disneyland Lightning Pass App. You literally cannot participate in anything if you don’t come correct with the app, an incredibly stressful process upon which the happiness of one’s entire family vacation hinges. Trust me. I JUST did this. Joan and Chock wore prince and princess costumes, met Mickey and Minnie, and went to one of those secret Disney adult restaurants within Dinseyland where dinner costs $12,000 and you have to join their cult. Anyway, I did not care about this entire date. Several of these bachelors really help drive home the importance of casting. There is such a thing as a deeply forgettable person, nice as they may be. There’s just something about some people that makes them pop out of your mind the second they leave your line of vision. Chock is one of those people.

Joan serving.

JUH is back which means it’s time for the rose ceremony. Miraculously, Kim, Pascal, and Charles L. get to stay. An array of forgettable men without enough tragedy in their pasts are dismissed by a tearful Joan, who also boots Jack. After only a week, Jack and his “Da’ Bears” personality has become somewhat of a beloved house mascot, but he is clearly too rough a diamond for our Joan. Jack exits the Olive Garden singing “My Way.”

Joan is wearing a rather stunning green dress, which I took the liberty of finding for you.

A preview of next week hints that Joan sucks face with basically everyone under 80 in America, and Season One Gerry returns to shake things up with his douchery. I cannot believe how long each week’s watching and recapping takes me. I could be writing the great American novel but NO. Here I am, watching shit so you don’t have to—like Gregg doing Pascal’s laundry. JK. I love it. With that, my fellow crappy television viewers, may all your puppet shows mock Pascal and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!