Not Nearly Enough Tears

This week's Golden Bachelor was promised to be a doozy. It wasn't.

Last week, if you’ll recall, the upcoming preview showed us Gerry is full hysterical meltdown, comparing his appearance on a dating reality show for seniors to the death of his beloved wife. Was I looking forward to this? Yes. Was any of that shown this week? No? I even watched Episode 5 twice, just to make sure I didn’t somehow miss it. Nope. Week after week, we see Gerry in tears. And the one time I’m all snuggled up and ready for the Super Bowl of Adult Male Crying, it doesn’t make the final edit. Are there no ethics in “Next week, on the Golden Bachelor”? If you show us an upcoming moment, that moment needs to be in the next episode. It’s called common decency.

That said, this week starts with the six remaining ladies dancing in a circle in the Olive Garden pool like a very tan coven putting a spell on a widower. Theresa remains, against all of our wishes, but the rest of the women seem to be playing nicely. We’re getting used to the Bachelor rules now, but a twist is presented this week. Only three women will receive roses at the end of the episode, and those that do will be introducing Gerry to their families. As such, three women will be marked losers on national television and be sent off on an ice floe within the next 42 minutes.

For his one-on-one date, Gerry selects Faith. This makes sense as the pair had an early connection and not enough alone time since. The rest of the gals take it in stride, except for Leslie. She had a one-on-one date with Gerry last week and isn’t wild about him going on a “once in a lifetime” date with someone else.

Faith’s “once in a lifetime” date with Gerry involved a helicopter ride which landed on a yacht, where they are served charcuterie and drink champagne in a rented boat’s hot tub. There is much kissing and Faith gets a safety rose.

I don’t know about you, but this is not my dream date.

The rest of the ladies go on a group date to the Santa Monica Pier with Gerry to relive their youth with Ferris wheels and carnival games. At this point, it is abundantly clear that neither Sondra nor Susan has any chance of sticking around. Gerry goes on little alone-rides with each woman, and when it comes to Sondra and Susan, it’s just friendly chit-chatting. He makes out with Theresa and Leslie, and Pickleball Ellen throws herself at Gerry, once again declaring her love for him in a last ditch effort to get a safety rose. Awkward pecks are exchanged. Ellen is convinced she’s IN!

Not so fast, Pickleball.

But sadly, our Pickleball queen has no idea that Gerry is in full make-out mode with Faith, Theresa, and Leslie. She, like Sondra and Susan, doesn’t fit what is now clearly Gerry’s type: sensitive, slightly helpless, unnaturally beautiful, and a decade younger than him. Sondra is too independent, despite missing her daughter’s wedding for this nonsense, and Susan is here for a good time, not a long time. Susan has expressed no feelings for Gerry. She’s just enjoying her champagne, comforting other women when they struggle with their competitive feelings for a 72-year-old crier, and chilling by the Olive Garden pool. Susan for President!

Gerry has the opportunity to present a safety rose at the end of the carnival group date but decided he needs to sleep on it/make the rose ceremony more intense. And so the ladies, save for Faith who already knows she’s staying, must wait another day to find out where they stand with Gerry.

Now comes the rose ceremony where, obviously, Leslie gets a rose. Leslie is a dance instructor who is, by comparison to everyone else, 24 years old. Sondra and Susan likely already have their bags packed. The camera are focused on Theresa and Ellen. Who, oh who, will Gerry select to live to see another day — and meet their family! At the last second, Gerry ruins everything and gives Theresa a rose. Sondra and Susan saw this coming from a mile away. Ellen, however, is genuinely shocked.

Gerry offers to walk Ellen out and sits her down on the rejection bench. Pretty much speechless, Ellen politely listens to Gerry’s platitudes and then says, “I’ve gotta go,” and gets in a reject vehicle with a camera in her face. A few times, she even holds her hand up in an instinctual move to protect what’s left of her dignity. Ellen was the first one to tell Gerry she was falling in love with him and here she is, Pickleball champion, in the loser lane. We all saw it coming, but Ellen is just stunned.

Next week (ALLEGEDLY,) it’s the “Hometowns” episode where Gerry goes to meet the remaining three contestant’s families and one kid asks if Gerry’s gonna marry his Grandma. Gerry says maybe! (You know what, kid? Maybe not. Prepare for that possibility too.)

In related news, my mother has decided that she can’t stand Gerry. This turn of events is interesting. My assessment, and this may be true for many of you, is that my mother was mesmerized by this show much like we slow down to look a a car accident. But now the feminist within her has emerged and she just can’t stomach the whole concept for grown women competing for a 72-year-old with a bicep tattoo.

I welcome your thoughts. Until next time, my golden friends, may all of your rejections be anticipated and all of your commercial breaks be brief.