Lightning Strikes the Golden Bachelorette

Yes, one of the Bachelors was once struck by lightning and was dead for 12 minutes. A+!

Good people, we gather here today to recap the first episode of the Golden Bachelorette, a show in which a 61-year-old widow starts dating 24 older men, kicking them to the curb one by one in an attempt to find true love. If you’ll recall, last year we were given the first ever Golden Bachelor, a man named Gerry who pronounced his own name wrong, turned out to be a con man, and divorced a New Jersey stock broker within three months, much to the awe of all of America. Joan appeared as a contestant on this aforementioned show, but wisely bailed early to care for her daughter. So Joan, who’s had quite the MedSpa glow up since we last saw her, is the current belle of the Bachelor Nation ball and gets to choose her pick of two dozen single older gentleman, most of whom claim to be “girl dads.”

I love a man in uniform, but I’ll need assurance there are no “Let’s Go Brandon” flags on his property.

Are you with me? Onward!

Episode One ran a whopping two hours and featured far too many men for me to remember. But for you, because I know many of you are too high class to watch this trash, I took notes.

Most of the bachelors arrive in one of two limousines, into which they are packed like circus clowns. The men emerge one by one to meet Joan in front of the Bachelor’s used Olive Garden Mansion, complete with purple uplighting and lots of mustard-colored wall paint. Each must find some way to make a first impression, and some of them come complete with little pre-filmed segments explaining a bit more about their background, dead wives, etc. I suspect that those without an extra “at-home segment” are not long for Joan’s world. These are my notes, taken verbatim.

• Pascal, salon owner from Chicago. What does he think of Joan’s weave? Pepe le Peu vibes.

• Kim, the retired navy captain, in his full dress uniform. He sails! Captain of a destroyer, divorced, then married Mary until she died, took off his wedding ring on camera! He saluted her! Rooting for Kim, but worried about his politics.

• Chock – wtf? Cooks Joan “cock-a-noodle-soup” which he made her drink from a mason jar. His mother has stage 4 cancer and he’s climbed Mt. Kilamanjaro.

• Jonathan is in a blindfold! “When you’re ready you can remove the mask so that our eyes can meet for the very first time.” BARF. Jonathan was blindsided by his divorce, has kinda young kinds, and features a giant feather tattoo on his chest. He is noticeably attractive.

• Jordan walks a little slowly! Jordan is super nervous.

• Michael and Thomas will be gone immediately. Highly forgettable.

• Fun Gary! Hell yes! I want to hang out with Gary. I do not want to marry him.

• Garry brought her a sand dollar and he was wearing a white tuxedo jacket, which I have a problem with. (Are there two Gary’s? I cannot keep track. There are however, two Charleses.)

• Pablo, retired UN director!

• Bob the chiropractor (fake job) brought a vintage cam corder— possible serial killer.

• Jack, the caterer from Chicago, arrives by singing “My Way” in a pink sports coat. This is hell.

• Charles L, dead wife, married for 36 years. “Charles not in charge. Joan, you’re in charge forever. Trust me.”

• Guy is an ER doctor in Reno with a whole lotta veneers. He can make a diagnosis using his sense of smell, allegedly. Suspicious.

• Charles K. arrives feebly with a cane and totally rips off the cane skit from Willy Wonka — did push ups.

• Ken from Boston. Do not care.

• Dan is a private investor. Girl dad.

• Christopher brought prune juice because they’ve been going through an “irregular experience”

• RJ brought flowers, 6’5”, finance. Will not last.

• Gil threw her a ball. “I heard you were a great catch” Jesus Christ.

• Bill asked about her daughter. Nice.

• Jack the caterer has hilarious commentary. (At this point, the camera cuts back and forth to pink jacket Jack watching all of the arrivals and commenting on them.)

• David from Texas arrived on a horse but it screwed up his pants and he looked like an idiot. His slacks were all scrunched up to his knees so there was leg skin showing as he walked to Joan. Then the horse ran away!

• Keith, whose literal job is “girl dad” arrives in a station wagon and is from San Jose. His ex was an addict so he raised his three daughters alone. He’s a cutie.

• Mystery limo. Some broad emergens in a lime dress, likely some ex-Bachelor person. Kelsey? Do not care. Brings her dad Mark. Army vet. He’s cute. Good vibes. Describes Joan “like putting on a fresh warm pair of sweats outta the drier.”

And there you have it. My mother started texting immediately with her distaste for Pascal, mainly because he is French and talked about how much money he has, two things my mother loathes. I have traveled the world with this woman and her consistent distaste for the French, including in their own country, is unmatched.

Obviously, c’est Pascal.

Charles K, meanwhile, joking (?) accused Pascal’s accent of being fake. According to Pascal, he moved to Shee-cah-GO forty years ago. He sounds like he arrived yesterday. Pascal, bold Euro that he is, immediately begins the proceedings by inviting Joan to the privacy bench for a chat. Each of the men must now try and pry Joan away from 23 desperate elders for some alone time—an awkward challenge that evoked pity. Joan handled the whole thing with a poise and grace I can only dream of, and it must have been 2 a.m. at this point. Charles K made the pair race mobility scooters and Gary called Joan on a landline while sitting next to her. Eventually everyone, Joan included, gathers in the Olive Garden’s TV room to watch a video from everyone’s kids and grandkids about how great their dad is. Eh.

Jack the caterer cooks Joan dinner, and one of the men mentions that he hopes Jack sticks around because that fake Tuscan kitchen is smelling good! Eventually, over the course of what appears to be dusk till dawn, Joan must make her dating decisions and gather the men for the rose ceremony in which five (I think it was five, it’s hard to keep track of spry old men) are returned to their presumably sparsely-decorated homes. The sun is coming up. It’s time to break some hearts.

Oh, and in the Bachelorette rose ceremony, the men receive rose boutonnieres. They are too manly for long stem roses.

I literally have no idea who got rejected. None of them seemed to get any camera time anyway, so clearly we aren’t meant to care about them this early in the show. Highlights of the upcoming season reveal lots of active seniors doing things like bowling and boating. Joan says “I love you” to someone, and one clip hints that a selection has already been made and filmed. I will, and this should go without saying but won’t, watch every moment.

I bet Jack throws one hell of a Super Bowl party.

Some thoughts: My mom pointed out that all of these bachelors seem 15 years older than me and 15 years younger than her, which I think points out the importance of this “60 to 90-year-old window” where, if you’re lucky and can afford it, you want to relax and travel and share the fun part of life with someone. Your kids are grown, your career is done. This is exactly what my parents are blessed to be doing. It’s what my husband and I hope to do. Happy, healthy retirement in love is the dream, right? You bust your ass in capitalist America, eat your kale, raise your kids right, and hopefully spend your last 20+ years seeing the pyramids and learning pottery. Joan and her bachelors have each reached that stage in their lives and find themselves without someone to share it with. God bless ‘em, I hope they all find true companionship.

Also, shout out to my mom’s friend Irene who discovered a video of Joan explaining that she will not be having sex with ANYONE on the Golden Bachelorette. The “fantasy suites,” one of the show’s usual final episodes, is typically where the Bachelor or Bachelorette spend consecutive nights with their final picks. Joan’s too good for sex trafficking and has asked producers that all beds be removed from the fantasy suites. All class, that Joan.

Finally, one of the bachelors told Joan that he was once struck by lightning, at which point his heart stopped for 12 minutes until he was finally resuscitated. “Maybe lighting will strike twice?” he grins. Brain damage aside, this guy whose name I forget almost died by literal lightning. We do not want that to happen again. The metaphor does not work in this context.

With that, let’s all pray that next week’s episode is a reasonable 60-minutes long, that all of your lightning strikes are the non-lethal kind, and that all your commercial break be brief! Au revoir, mes amis.