Joan of the Story Arc

Gerry wants to be a D-list celebrity and the Golden Bachelorette is happening!

First thing’s first, my Geriatric Bachelor Nation citizens: rumors abound that Gerry simply signed up to participate in the Golden Bachelor to find fame, and he’s perfectly fine with being the villain. He wasn’t in this for love. He was in this to sell Viagra on TikTok. This tactic is hardly a new one. Every season, the Real Housewives or a similar franchise introduces a cast member who is clearly there for the sole purpose of pissing us off so much, we can’t help but glare. That’s (allegedly) what Gerry was aiming for. Theresa, Leslie, and the rest of his would-be paramours were simply collateral damage for Gerry’s painful rise to the low-middle. And he’s not even there yet.

I’m sure Gerry’s agent has lots of brand placement and cringe reality appearances in store but there is no way this tearful liar will ever parlay his one-season television appearance into anything more than a brief contract with Centrum Silver.

It’s Joan’s time. It’s Joan’s time down here.

In the good news department, Joan, a beloved contestant on the Golden Bachelor, has been announced as the First Golden Bachelorette. This is a great revelation on two fronts: the first is that America will be rewarded with a Golden Bachelorette. We will see elderly men compete for the affections of an elderly woman. Sexism is over. Feminism worked. All is solved.

The second great part of this news is that Joan is fantastic. If you’re recall, Joan left the Golden Bachelor season early because she chose to prioritize her pregnant and struggling daughter over a reality show. In contrast, Sondra happily missed her daughter’s wedding to get dumped by a failed restauranteur on national television. Joan is beautiful and has her priorities in order. She is a remarkably fine choice by the folks at Bachelor’s Olive Garden-inspired headquarters.

61 years old, Joan is the mother of four and the grandmother of two. Her husband died several years ago of cancer. Joan looks like a million bucks and has the grace to match. She was too good for Gerry. We can confidently root for her, based upon current knowledge, with open hearts. Go Joan! You make those silver foxes work for the major catch that is you!

Viewers must wait until the very vague “fall” for this destination TV, but I’ll be there, as will you. Because admit it. You like watching old people trying to date each other. It’s oddly entertaining and upsetting in a way that’s fun, as opposed to upsetting in a way that’s like, the performative persona of Simon Cowell. We need old people dating shows in our lives. The world is a mess. It weighs heavy on us all. Let is take a break, even for an hour, to pit senior citizens against one another for the all-too-elusive affections of a blonde widow. It is Prozac for the soul.

More soon, my fellow television losers. I just started watching Bodkin on Netflix, and need to finish Ripley. Andrew Scott is and forever will be my one true love. (Also my husband Dustin, the man to whom I am federally obligated to love,)

What shall we watch in the meantime, trash TV titans? Hit me up in the comments or via email. I await your thoughts and of course, until next time, may all of your commercial breaks be brief.