In the End, An Idiot Ended Up With An Idiot
“Everything you told me the other night was a complete and utter lie."
We all know how this ends, but let’s go through our Garbage Television paces like the dutiful reality show watchers we are. We shall hold our heads high, with the dignity of Leslie refusing to waste a $60,000 dress (I find this price tag hard to believe but let’s just her have this one) on the likes of guy who lies about his hot tub sales gigs.
We’re back in Costa Rica, where Gerry has just spent a life-changing night in a fantasy suite with Theresa, a grandmother widow who taught herself the stock trade and is willing to fight with other women on national television for the affections of a dual-hearing aided master-manipulator. A mere 12 hours earlier, Gerry assured Leslie that he would be selecting her for a lifetime of happiness(?) but somehow, and I’m 95% sure it’s sexual, Theresa has convinced Gerry to change his mind.
Now each of the two remaining contestants must meet Gerry’s two daughters and two granddaughters, and have a brief date with Gerry before he makes his big decision. Against the backdrop of a Central American rainforest, feelings have clearly changed between Gerry and his pair of girlfriends. All of us, Leslie included, notice this shift the second Gerry sees Leslie for the first time since knocking boots with Theresa.
We know this vibe, this tone, this look of pity from someone you’ve let see you naked. It’s the fucking WORST. Now, its geriatric Gerry giving Leslie—WHO ONCE DATED PRINCE—the “we’re over” energy.
Leslie and Gerry are finally alone again and he starts dropping the heavy hints. “Getting to know you has been such a blessing.” Oh shit. Leslie says, “I love you very, very much,” and Gerry responds, “That’s such a special sentiment.”
It is at this point that my father, at his home 15 minutes away, apparently starts screaming at the television. In fact, there are an array of hilarious Golden Bachelor reactions from Golden-age dads who simply cannot handle the pure bullshit that IS Gerry Turner.
After Leslie reiterates her love, Gerry whispers, “I can’t.” Tense music starts. He’s done it. It’s over. “I can see the tears,” says Gerry. Eventually Gerry leaves Leslie’s hotel suite, has his pretend little meltdown in the Costa Rican wilderness where he compares his own slimeball behavior to the death of his wife, and then returns to tell Leslie to her face that he plans to propose to Theresa.
As America watched, Leslie handled her shit like a boss. “Everything you told me the other night was a complete and utter lie,” said Leslie through tears.
Gerry, the Vladimir Putin of love, responded, “No, because at that time, that was the truth. Things have changed. Things have evolved.”
Leslie continues expressing her feelings of loss and failure and Gerry says, “No, don’t think that.” And Leslie replies, “No offense, but I can think whatever the fuck I want.”
The live audience, including the previous contestants who’d all be watching live with Gerry’s family and useless Bachelor Nation host Jesse, erupt into thunderous applause, along with all of the United States.
Cut back to the studio: we’re all forced to suffer through a live Leslie/Gerry reunion where Leslie does not forgive Gerry, tells us all that during their intimate night she and Gerry planned the logistics of their future together, and frankly, she isn’t really interested in hearing any more of his bullshit. (I’m paraphrasing, she was classy about it.)
Now we have to suffer through an exhaustively edited return to Costa Rica where Gerry meets Theresa on a windswept bluff/tropical dance floor and awkwardly proposes. The only good part of this scene is when Gerry draws our his dumbass love statement and for a second, Theresa thinks he’s dumping her. Seeing her face fall in sheer humiliation was a soothing balm. Instead, the pair happily agree to marry after sleeping together once and knowing each other for a matter of weeks.
Let’s jump back to the studio where a collection of stakeholders has been watching live. Theresa and Gerry emerge, engaged and beaming, to lackluster hand slaps of collective disappointment. I’m unimpressed with the engagement ring. A wedding date has been set for January 4th, and of course it’ll all be televised courtesy of ABC. Gerry and Theresa are over the moon and so happy to be “out” with their forever love, although I just think they’re happy to have “won” a game on TV. Leslie, meanwhile, is speeding away in a black SUV, hopefully en route way to a monthlong stay at a spa COURTESY OF ABC.
Several videos have emerged of Theresa's gushing over Gerry to Bachelor Nation host Jesse while Gerry mouths every word she says like an insane ventriloquist. Other viewers accused Gerry of selecting Theresa because of her money (what money?) or because she seems more controllable than the other women. In response to that scathing Hollywood Reporter take-down that revealed Gerry is hardly a retired restauranteur and had dated numerous women after Toni’s death, including a woman he lived with who gained 10 lbs so he dumped her, Gerry said that he’s only looking forward and focusing on positive things. (Big eyeroll.)
Also Gerry’s father, still alive and in a very Thomas Markle move, revealed to the “press” that much of the show was scripted and he’d hoped his son would pick Leslie. “I had Leslie picked out. For some reason, I just didn't care for Theresa. I was 60 percent for Leslie and 40 percent for Theresa. I couldn't say why. Right off the bat, Theresa rubbed me the wrong way.” (Same, sir. Same.)
Anyway, Gerry and Theresa’s dumb wedding will be televised LIVE while I will be traveling and luckily, unable to watch this farce. I hope Kathy shows up and objects. Fingers crossed that ABC gets its act together and casts the Golden Bachelorette because we all just had to watch a shitty senior citizen break a bunch of women’s hearts. I’d like to see a grandma take some men on an emotional roller coaster for once. Of course, I am curious to hear which of the Golden Bachelor contestants you’d like to see as the Golden Bachelorette. My vote is for the gravely-voiced Delco queen herself, Susan.
In the meantime, my golden garbage television friends, may all of your proposals come from decent humans and may all of your television breaks be brief! What shall we watch next?
LOL "like an insane ventriloquist" - very funny! I was oddly captivated by this show even though I haven't watched a Bachelor or Bachelorette season in years - and was super annoyed that it ended this way but from the beginning, the attention the show gave Teresa did seem like a bit of a "winner's edit". Leslie dodged a bullet for sure! The one refreshing thing about this season vs. the ones I've watched in the past and seemingly the current ones was that the women (for the most part) seemed to support each other vs. tear each other down, which I suppose, comes with maturity :)
Because of you and only because of you, I watched the finale. Most of my reactions have been expressed but I wonder when Teresa will find his little lip pursing habit super annoying.