Chock It To Me One More Time
Let's look at the uneventful finale to the Golden Bachelorette.
The incredibly predictable and boring ending to The Golden Bachelorette was really as it should be. After being dumped by Pascal and feigning a crisis of confidence, Joan introduced Chock to her kids. The meeting went so well that Joan was like, “SOLD” and instead of dragging out the suspense, she immediately dumped Guy who promptly cried his eyes out in the Bora Bora rain.
What this finale really demonstrated was what a piece of trash Gerry was/is. Unlike Joan, Gerry slept with both of his final choices in immediate succession, dragged their hearts all over the place with “I love yous” and big promises, and then chose a deeply annoying woman determined to win a game show. Joan, on the other hand, promised herself that she wouldn’t say “I love you” or have sex with anyone until she’d made her final choice. This kind of tempered class doesn’t make for amazing reality television.
As mentioned above, I do think Joan was milking her dumping by Pascal. This woman has spent week after week breaking elderly hearts, kicking retirees out of their much-needed bromances at the Olive Garden Mansion: brought to you by our friends at McCormick’s Seasonings. Joan has insisted over and over that each of the dumped men just weren’t the right fit for her and she’d still like to be friends, while proceeding to kiss almost all of them. Pascal basically says the same thing, and Joan is dramatically ready to fly home. Love him or hate him, Pascal didn’t try and “win” despite his feelings or lack thereof.
Also, why are Joan and Chock moving to New York City? I didn’t understand why Chock suggested they move to NYC and Joan was like, “Oh, perfect!” What?!? When did we agree to this? Maybe they talked about it during their overnight of “emotional” intimacy. Who’s to know, but “We’re moving to New York” caught me off guard. Also, it makes me worry that they want to be celebrities.
There is really nothing else of any significance to report. For those interested in the insignificant, OMG Charles L’s hair! Charles going from full grey on the show to jet black for the reunion only reminds us how authentic he really is. Charles L. does not have a handler to say, “Uh, Charles. You look like Casey Kasem.”
Speaking of hair, and I’m not trying to hair-shame Joan because she looks great, but this is your reminder that 61-year old Joan with her impossibly long, full, wavy hair, was wearing extensions. Like the rain to Guy’s tears, Bora Bora’s magical weather reveals all.
At the totally unnecessary pre-reunion episode that I didn’t even bother recapping, the only real highlight was when the Los Angeles Gay Men’s Chorus appeared and sang the hell out of Kim’s “We Are the Mansion Men” song. Kim loved it and shook each of their hands afterwards, thank God. I was worried Captain Kim might not be open to the Gay Men’s Chorus but who am I kidding? Everyone loves the GMC. Anita Bryant would love the GMC, if she weren’t already burning in hell.
So: should Charles L. be the next Golden Bachelor? I would watch the shit out of that but no. Mark should be the next Golden Bachelor. And how great was it to see Zip It Kathy and DelCo Susan at the reunion? I follow those two on Instagram. The pair had face lifts at the same time, recovered together, and Nancy (of course) took care of them. My love to the many wonderful people in my life, but post-elective surgery hangout with Kath, Sue, and Nancy Nightingale is my permanent ideal friend group.
With that, I’m off to find my next televised trash. Hallmark has a new reality show in which attractive men compete to be a Hallmark Christmas Movie heartthrob. Suggestions? Thoughts? Prayers?
Until next time, my Thanksgiving turkeys, may all of your elected officials be sane and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!