Asuelu's Mom is the Worst
In the ranking of "90 Day Fiance" villains, she ranks in the top 5.
There are degrees of crappy reality television, and I classify the 90 Day Fiance franchise as good bad-reality-telvision. Also in this category: some of the Real Housewives cities and seasons, Sister Wives, Indian Matchmaker, etc. Bad bad-reality-television is like, Love Island. It involves bikinis and fabricated romance. I need regular-looking people and their messy lives — I don’t need the fake teeth people of The Bachelor. Anyway, in the realm of good bad-reality-television, Asuelu’s mom is among the worst we have ever seen.
It’s important to note that “sending money back home” has come up with a number of 90DF couples, perhaps most famously with Pedro’s desire to fulfill his mother and sister’s demands for a furnished three-bedroom apartment in the Dominican Republic. I’ve learned, having watched 90DF shows for years, that some cultures expect their children who move away send money home for the old people. But Asuelu’s mom is a whole other level of garbage.
Before we detail her crimes, we also need to assume that this isn’t an act. Sometimes it’s clear that people are playing up the drama for the television cameras, and they’re encouraged by producers to do so. I have watched enough of this crap and follow enough of these people on social media to know that most of them really are this wack-a-doo in real life. That said, Asuelu’s garbage mom is new to me so who knows? She might be acting like devil grandma.
Asuelu tries hard and Kalani is a well-spoken badass so I’m rooting for them. They are genuinely in love and trying to forge a real life together. Things got weird fast when Asuelu’s mom arrived from Samoa and immediately french-kissed her son. But now she is demanding money; specifically $1,000.
Over and over, Asuelu and Kalani have said that they don’t have a spare thousand dollars yet somehow devil grandma and evil sisters refuse to accept this. Watching this argument repeatedly transpire is deeply frustrating. It would be like me demanding you chop off your left arm and give it to me, and over and over you’re like, “But Beth, I need it. I’m left-handed.” And I’m all, “No. Give it to me. How dare you! Chop it off!” And we continue to argue about this, for multiple episodes.
Kalani finally calls devil grandma and evil sister to a picturesque waterfront location to explain, once again, why she can’t GIVE them $1,000, namely because she and Asuelu have two small children to care for. Devil grandma announces, “I don’t care about the kids. I just want the money.”
Around the globe, 90DF viewers threw gasped and threw cans of LaCroix at their television sets.
In other couple news, Syngin and Tania get in a huge fight in front of his family, and Larissa wants Eric to pay for some plastic surgery. These couples are boring, especially Eric and Larissa. They, as we discussed earlier, are acting for the cameras. It’s all bullshit with those two.
Angela is very upset with Michael because he won’t tell his family that, despite Nigerian culture, Angela will not be a subservient wife. She really wants Michael to drive this home with his extended family, to gather them together and explain that she’s a goddamn American and she don’t take no orders from nobody. Listen, I get this. Angela is a modern woman of the world. But there’s no need to explain this to people who will eventually live 9,000 miles away from you. Who cares if they think she’s obedient? Michael knows the deal. Christ, we all do! Angela is a tornado of Marlboro-scented demands. Naturally she gets her way and forces Michael to announce their plans to eschew Nigerian gender roles. For their part, Michael’s family was like, “Eh, whatever. No biggie.”
Finally, we are still in Moldova with Andrrrrrrrei and Libby’s shitty family of convicted criminals. As has been said by so many 90DF-themed Instagram accounts before me, Libby’s kin are exactly why people hate Americans. They are the worst of us; defiantly ignorant, antagonistic, underdressed, ungrateful, unforgiving, and hypocritical. At one point, Libby’s father (who, as we discussed last week, has a f***ing mugshot) said of the spread offered by Andrrrrrei’s sweet mom, “When you have to ask, ‘What’s that? What’s that? What’s that?’ it’s not good.” I’m sorry they don’t have Chili’s flaming appetizer sampler available at private residences in Moldova, Mr. Mugshot. There was a whole discussion about the slices of lard on toast, namely by Libby’s sister who IS DEFINITELY ACTING. BTW, she also has a mugshot. Anyway, not that any of these people have been to Italy or anywhere where they might not get a Chili’s flaming appetizer sampler (and arrested) but lardo is a delicious canapé. It’s fancy salami, dumbasses!
Libby’s dad Chuck, in addition to being pure garbage and having been arrested for failing to pay tens of thousands of dollars in child support, is also being accused of running rental unit scams resulting in people being evicted. This is the guy, lest we forget, who is demanding (on national television) to know what skeletons Andrrrrei might have in his closet. Chuck, there’s this thing called the internet. We’re going to find out about your NUMEROUS CRIMES.
Still, Chuck is no match for Asuelu’s mom. “I don’t care about the kids.” Dear God.
Next week, why apparently find out Andrrrrei’s big secret. Big whoop. We already know that the entirety of Libby’s family are documented criminals. I hope Asuelu tells his mom she can shove it, and I hope Angela doesn’t come back to America in time to vote for Donald Trump.
Until next time, my 90 day friends, may all of your grandparents be nice and may all of your commercial breaks be brief.