ALERT! Joan's 92-Year Old Mom is Sick
Emotions are running high and old men are running injured on this week's episode of the Golden Bachelorette.
No one is getting any sleep at the Olive Garden Tuscan Villa. Most of the old men snore, no one brought their C-Pap machines, they all get up to pee five times a night, and Pascal is running around au natural. The audience is treated to a montage of sleepy senior men, napping by the pool, yawning in the kitchen, and complaining about each other. Finally, authentic reality television.
Speaking of C-Pap machines and old men, I watched this episode with my spouse. In a recent discussion with my girlfriends, most of us revealed that we watch television separately from our husbands. After all, I don’t need to see aliens invade someone’s spaceship, and my beloved doesn’t care about Real Housewives. But there was magic in the air over at my love nest this week and basically, my husband was too lazy to move when I started watching the Golden Bachelorette. He couldn't stop chiming in with his commentary, which was essentially, “this is all fake and these guys are just trying to win a game.”
Joan selects Pascal to be the first of this week’s one-on-one dates. So touched by his selection, Pascal bursts into tears and immediately makes his way to his walk-in closet of Tom Ford suits. Joan whisks Pascal away in a red Porsche (which she won’t let him drive) to a private plane! The pair fly to Las Vegas’ Paris hotel (because Pascal is French, I guess.) There, we learn that Pascal grew up on the rough and tumble streets of the City of Lights. He and his siblings were packed two to a bed, they didn’t have a bathroom, and no one ever said “Je t’adore.” When he was 18, Pascal left for America with cardboard in his shoes (allegedly) and never looked back. Also, he doesn’t like to fly coach.
This revelation wins Pascal a safety rose and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Las Vegas legend Wayne Newton, barely alive with a mouth full of teeth so white, they glow! Accompanied on piano, Wayne sings his big hit (singular) as Joan and Pascal dance in the middle of a sparsely decorated hotel suite.
Back at the villa, Charles L. and Gary head to the pharmacy to stock up on Melatonin and ear plugs. Charles, as we know, is a fan favorite and this week sees him really shine. As Guy discusses his work as an ER doctor, Charles builds up the courage to ask him a question. Sitting close, Charles almost whispers to Guy that when his wife had a brain aneurysm six years ago, there was a little bit of blood coming out of her mouth. He’s spent the past six years worrying that the blood was evidence of some undiagnosed fixable problem. Putting his hand on Charles’ knee, Guy explains that Mrs. Charles likely bit her tongue as she fell to the ground from the aneurysm.
Charles has been wondering about that blood for six years! Relief, sadness, understanding: it all washes over Charles. His shoulders lighten.
Shoutout to Charles for keeping it real and asking off-duty medical providers health questions. I do that 100% of the time. Do not introduce me to your doctor and nurse friends because I will immediately make them look at a mole.
Jonathan is selected for one-on-one date number two and, on cue, bursts into tears. But before he can get Joan alone, the rest of the bachelors must go on the dreaded group date with Joan. They’re taken to a football field, half wearing red jerseys and half wearing blue. Jesse the Unnecessary Host (JUH) and Joan introduce special guests who we’re supposed to instantly recognize. Two retired professional football players arrive and each of the bachelors excitedly pretend to know who they are. But the men won’t be playing football for Joan’s affections. Today’s game is kickball!
Charles has never played kickball before. He is confused and nervous. Most of the other bachelors, however, are treating this like their own personal Super Bowl. The winning team gets an after-party with Joan, and according to the men, this precious time to woo Joan is why they’re trying to win at kickball. On and on, each of the bachelors claim how excited they get when they see Joan and how they could really see a future with her. I find this very hard to believe. They can’t ALL have feelings for Joan. Think of how many people you’ve gone on ONE date with. You didn’t like them ALL. (I once went on a date with a guy who told me my earrings would look better if I hung them backwards, and then tried to charge me $85 to attend his walking tour of San Francisco.) My point is, don’t you think it’s likely some of the bachelors arrived, met Joan, and were like, “I don’t think she’s for me”? It can’t be love at first sight for everyone.
Back to kickball: my God, they are taking this seriously. Captain Kim looks like he’s physically and emotionally preparing to storm Omaha Beach. In discussing their strategy, Bachelor Mark says, “Alls we need is one inning.”
“I’d like to welcome you all to the first ever Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickball brought to you by our good friends at Quaker Oats” says JUH. (This is verbatim.)
Charles is very confused about the whole thing but gives kickball his best shot and gets to first base. (This base hit was a gift from the opposing team. Sorry Charles, but you should have been out.) Charles’ blue team wins and the crowd of paid extras lift Charles in the air.
Literally, every single player is injured and sore. Greg is bleeding and it is suggested that Kim get an x-ray. Still, the blue team gets some alone time with Joan on a couch placed on the football field. In the midst of this, the producers pull Joan aside and news is revealed: Joan’s 92-year old mom is unwell. Still, Joan’s got to sit and listen to a bunch of old men ask for “victory kisses.”
Charles ends up on the bench with Joan and says the best part of his day was not Joan, but his conversation with Dr. Guy! He goes through the whole aneurysm/mouth blood story again and Joan handles it all very politely, without screaming, “You waited six years to ask?!?”
Eventually, Joan confesses to fun Palm Desert Gary that she’s distracted because her mom is sick and Gary takes this opportunity to write AND FRAME a prayer for Joan’s mother.
Captain Kim gets it in his head that the men should all sing Joan a song, which he’s already written and choreographed. He gathers his fellow bachelors together and demands they begin to practice. Eventually, the other bachelors bravely confess that they don’t want to participate in Kim’s song moment, which flabbergasts Kim. The men say, ‘this is your thing. You do it by yourself!’ Kim responds that Beethoven wrote music by himself but it doesn’t work without an orchestra.
We are all walking on eggshells with Kim. He could snap at any moment.
Joan goes on a horseback riding date with Jonathan, but she’s really stressed about her mom and missing her kids. And all of this love talk is stirring up feelings for her dead husband. Joan decides that before the rose ceremony, she’s going to gather all of the men and tell them that a part of her will always love her dead husband, and only 90% of her heart may be available to another man. We all agree that this is normal.
Several of the men ask Joan for some pre-rose ceremony one-on-one villa bench time, including Kim who’s miraculously roped Dr. Guy into performing “We are the Mansion Men.” Dr. Guy then writes Joan a fake prescription for self-care, which is a major plot point in the iconic 1991 film, “What About Bob?” I honestly think Dr. Guy agreed to co-sing Captain Kim’s song just to keep Kim from going full Apocalypse Now.
Charles gets a moment alone with Joan and presents her with a framed photo of him and his dead wife. Whoa, Charles. According to my husband, “This is more him saying, ‘it’s okay to eliminate me. Look. Me and my wife.’”
With each and every bachelor, Joan makes deep eye contact, accepts all requests for kisses, and reciprocates any verbal declaration of feelings.
“She’s love-bombing every dude, leading them on,” announced my husband. “I mean, these are vulnerable older men.”
First of all, it’s hilarious that my husband knows the term love-bombing. But there is a noticeable difference in the way Joan treats her bachelors than the way last season’s Gerry treated the bachelorettes. Joan asks each and every contestant a ton of questions about themselves, she is patient and compassionate with their answers. She, as many women feel required to do, is making each man feel as special as they want her to feel towards them. It must be exhausting for Joan. I don’t know that she is love-bombing these men but rather, in being so gracious, Joan is sending inauthentic signals. No one is getting the “not interested” vibe from Joan.
At the same time, we are watching a collection of relatively successful, charming men who are (for the most part) genuinely trying to find a companion, and it’s difficult not to root for each one of them (except Pascal.) What might this say about gender roles in Bachelor Nation? (STFU Beth. WTF do you know? You’re not Gloria Steinem nor have you watched any Bachelor show that doesn't feature the elderly.) But there is a noticeable difference in the way this woman of age handles herself at the helm of a dating show. It’s significantly less smarmy than Gerry’s antics last season. We have kindness in the villa—and it’s still highly watchable. But will the broken hearts break deeper because of it?
The only person who’s fully authentic on this show is Charles. I’m not 100% sure that he even knows this thing is being televised. Charles isn’t at the Olive Garden villa to find a new love. He’s here to challenge himself to break his six-year cycle of grief over the death of his wife—and he is making extraordinary progress.
To everyone’s horror, Cancelled Gerry appears in a limo like it’s 1989 and asks to speak with Joan on the make-out bench. He asks how it’s going, tells her to follow her heart, and then offers unsolicited advice. Per usual, Joan politely pretends to deeply care about what he’s saying. WTF is Gerry doing here? I thought this gigolo had been banished.
JUH returns and it’s time for the rose ceremony. I was convinced that given Charles’ many breakthroughs, Joan would finally cut him free—but no! Charles gets a rose. One by one, Joan calls bachelors forward and asks if they’ll accept her rose. The tension mounts—and I can see it coming. Kim is not going to get a rose. He manages to accept his fate with dignity and asks if he can still be friends with Joan. Okay sure, Kim. Thank you for your service. He dramatically salutes his fellow bachelors upon his departure. Several other never-gonna-make-its get the boot as well, including Greg and CK.
Next week’s episode involves a Chippendales-esque male strip performance and Chock dramatically leaving for reasons we’ll have to wait to watch. I’d like to give a special shout-out to devoted reader Karyn by sending her lots of Get Well Soon love. And for you, my fellow viewers, may none of your kisses be pity smooches and may all your commercial breaks be brief!
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