A Very PG-13 Golden Bachelor
In which we learn Theresa is willing to give up her entire career if Gerry wants. No prob.
I have a journalistic responsibility to confess that I spent 45% of this episode screaming, “Ewww! No!!!!” while hiding behind my hands, various pillows, under my sweater, etc. This is the episode of the Golden Bachelor in which 72-year-old Gerry gets laid. Twice. How is this on television? Are we in Europe? Where is the FCC?
Is this what always happens in Bachelor nation? The last two contestants have to sleep with him and then the Bachelor decides? This is sex-trafficking!
We begin in the Costa Rican rainforest where Gerry is to spend a day (and an optional sex night) with Leslie and then spend the next day (and an optional sex night) with Theresa. Just a reminder, these people are all senior citizens. First up, Leslie and Gerry repel down a waterfall and go to dinner. Both giddily agree to the sex suite and then, as Gerry says, “knock boots.” It’s magical, Gerry all but tells Leslie he’s going to pick her, and they clink post-coital coffee cups mere hours before Gerry’s next date.
Now starry-eyed Gerry’s gotta go horseback riding with Theresa. She arrives in her short shorts and is clearly desperado to close this deal, but Gerry’s mind (and bodily fluids) are still on Leslie. Theresa shifts into full competition mode and tells the camera people, “Gerry might have a lot on his mind but this date is critical for me.” The whole vibe I get from her is a desire to win above all else. Does she even care that she’s got to marry Gerry if she does?
Anyway, the real surprise here is that Theresa didn’t throw herself off a horse in a bid to get Gerry’s attention. The pair go off to their respective rooms and change for dinner. It’s over tropical cuisine that Gerry asks — for the first time in their lives — what Theresa’s job is. Basically, stocks and bonds or whatever, but don’t worry, Gerry! Theresa will quit the moment he proposes.
I would not go to Costa Rica with someone who could not tell you what my job title is. (Texting husband of seven years to confirm he knows what I do. He answered correctly.)
This financial knowledge is all great news to Gerry who tells Theresa that it sounds like she has her “shit together” and will presumably be managing all the bills if they get married. With that, Gerry asks if Theresa wants to go to the sex suite and of course, she does. The last person Theresa “knocked boots” with was her dead husband and she is ready to close this fucking deal so Leslie doesn’t win.
The lights go dark as we hear Gerry whisper to Theresa, “Oooh, you’re very good at that.” Ahhhhhh! Help!
In the morning, Gerry — who must be in Viagra withdrawal and exhausted — has slept with different women two nights in a row on national television and told both of these grandmothers that he loves them. What the hell, my fellow viewers, have we gotten ourselves into?
Now, we must wait a staggering two weeks for the grand finale where Gerry proposes to either Leslie or Theresa. Honestly, I think none of these people know each other very well and no one should get married. Plus, Gerry just slept with both of them back-to-back. Maybe a BOLDER move on Theresa’s part would be to ask directly, “Did you already sleep with Leslie and if so, I’d prefer to wait for my proposal before we knock boots.” But then, of course, Gerry, who changes his mind and gets distracted like a fucking child, would pick Leslie.
According to the preview, the finale is when we see Gerry really lose his cool: tears, screaming, questioning his final decision. Theresa reminds Gerry that he’s met her family and she’ll be pissed if she doesn’t get a proposal. Leslie cries. And Gerry’s daughters meet his two girlfriends to help their dad decide! Obviously, we will be watching every second of this like an analysis of the Zapruder film. Until next time, my Thanksgiving turkeys, may all of your fantasy suites remain at a comfortable 69-degrees and all of your commercial breaks be brief.