A Hot Second in Hometowns

Joan spent 15 awkward minutes with each of the remaining four bachelors in their cities of residence.

The final four grandpas.

This week brought us “hometowns,” which in Bachelor Nation terminology means that the Bachelorette visits her remaining boyfriends and their families in their natural environments.

On “The Golden Bachelor,” which is the only time I’ve ever watched a Bachelor show, hometowns seemed to at least include a full day spent with remaining girlfriends. Joan basically swung by each man’s home for a polite glass of water. But it doesn’t matter because it became obvious within ten minutes of this episode that Joan knew which gentleman caller would be getting the boot.

First up, Joan visits Dr. Guy in the Reno/Tahoe area. I never noticed the aggressive nature of Guy’s veneers before but if I was stuck in the ER and Dr. Guy started treating me with his blinding grill, my confidence in his abilities would dwindle. Anyway, Joan spent a lot of time talking about her late husband, which I think these men must find attractive. If she’s this loyal and obsessed with dead John, just think of how devoted she’ll be to her new man. Joan meets everyone Dr. Guy has ever met in his life, including his 5' tall brother Gary, who has red hair and, forgive me, resembles the Mayor of Munchkinland. Guy’s other siblings are Greg, Greer, and Gayle. Sigh.

This pic doesn’t do Guy’s grill justice, but like the eclipse, one should not look directly at it.

The Tahoe/Reno hometown ends with neither saying “I love you.” Take note.

Next it’s off to Chicago to first, see Pascal’s salon where Joan is made to wash a stranger’s hair. Can you imagine if you pay your $170 Groupon dollars for a Pascal original and you get your hair washed by an elderly woman appearing on a reality show. “Did you mees me?” demands Pascal. “You always ask me that?” complains Joan.

Pascal, quelle surprise, makes everything about himself. Also, has anyone else noticed that he wears a dozen healing stone bracelets? “One is sufficient.” - my husband.

Joan receives a treatment in Pascal’s salon but it’s only a hand massage because no one has time to tackle her extensions right now. Folks, it took me a long time to realize that all women with cascading waves of hair down each side of their face are wearing weaves. Hair does not grow like this, especially at 61 years-old. Don’t be an idiot like me and feel bad about your twelve strands of hair without realizing these are all fucking wigs. (Again, no shade to extensions—or veneers for that matter. I get Botox and lip filler. Do what you wanna do. I’m just saying, I was under the impression that my hair was inferior. Unless one is Ariel from “The Little Mermaid,” extensions are required to achieve this look.)

We meet Pascal’s friends and children who, within milliseconds of meeting Joan, are in tears because they’re so determined to win this GAME for Pascal. It all seems very insincere to me. The only authentic part of this visit is Pascal’s genuine love for his children, which was nice to see. Pascal’s one redeeming quality is that he, like most humans and animals, loves his children. Unfortunately Pascal’s dining room chairs are upholstered in a cheetah print, so that’d be a big deal breaker for me. Joan, of course, finds Pascal sexy but distant.

Neither Joan nor Pascal say I love you.

Note the body language between Joan and Jordan. DOOMED.

While in the Windy City, Joan swings by Jordan’s and it is clear that any fake magic that existed at the Bachelor Nation Olive Garden Villa brought to you by Activa is gone. When meeting Jordan’s family, Joan and Jordan do not touch. This is a departure from her behavior with Guy and Pascal. Their chemistry is off, and noticeably forced. Joan tells Jordan’s daughter that she’s worried Jordan’s just not that in to her. Jordan’s daughter immediately reports this back to her dad, and Joan and Jordan share an uncomfortable convo where it’s clear, Jordan will soon be back to trying to date Taylor Dayne. Good. I’m convinced that Jordan just came on this show to get famous or find a rich temporary girlfriend.

Neither Joan nor Jordan say I love you.

Now we’re off to Wichita, home Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer. It’s also home to Chock, who takes Joan’s televised visit as an opportunity to have a tree planting ceremony/funeral for his dead mom. The whole display, complete with 30 friends and family members including his dead wife’s father, was obscene. Joan, it would seem, fell for the funeral move- hook, line, and sinker. Chock’s brother goes so far as to say, during the tree ceremony where Joan must help plant said tree, that the dead mom would want Joan to marry Chock. No presh! This funeral was probably necessary because when Chock’s mom actually died, he had to rush back to his TV show instead of staying around Wichita and wasting precious dating time by honoring the woman that birthed and raised him.

Surprise! Welcome to a stranger’s funeral!

“Joan, she’s my rock,” gushes Chock. His mom, it would seem, is his tree.

Anyway, Joan can’t dump Chock now because she helped bury his dead mom’s memorial tree. Also, Joan seems genuinely moved by all of this and genuinely into Chock, which, if that what she wants, god bless. Chock describes this day, one that seemed longer than those spent on Guy, Pascal, and Jordan, as “one of the best days of my life.”

Chock announces “I’m falling in love with you.” Joan receives this statement warmly with no reciprocation.

Back at the Bachelor Nation Olive Garden Villa brought to you by Exxon Mobil, Joan dons a red sequin minidress to dump (suspense unnecessary) Jordan. He takes it like a champ and leaves. With that, Joan shares champagne with her remaining three boyfriends, all of whom allegedly have strong feeling for Joan and all of whom must interact with each other in front of her.

Next week, Joan and her boyfriends are whisked away to (checks notes) Tahiti. Chock is determined to win this thing, saying, “Joan plus me plus Tahiti; I mean, she better accept my engagement.” Or what, Chock? You’ll kill her and plant another tree in your death orchard?

Who’s got one finger and a mom that just died?

Also, previews of next week indicate that Joan, in a navy blue fur no less, has some sort of meltdown on a yacht and Pascal pushes a Bachelor Nation camera out of the way. Thrilling! Down to three fellas, folks. Don’t forget: Joan has set the expectation that she will not be sleeping with any of her suitors during the show’s traditional vacation date sex night. Will she stick to this plan? We’ll have to wait and see.

Until next time, my garbage television friends, may none of your dates include a funeral display as an attempt to manipulate you—and may all of your commercial breaks be brief!